I wrote this 7 months after having our daughter, she is now almost 3 (!) and even though I still have moments of ‘I cannot believe I have a daughter’ I am not in the same space I was when I wrote this. My daughter is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to us and below is a reminder of how far I have come. I think I will always struggle and I imagine most parents do. But oh my god I love her and I tell her every. single. day.
I became a mother 7 months ago. A mother. A mummy. A mama. And although I still don’t ‘feel like one’ I definitely have all the things that come with it. The soft body (I seriously cannot remember what I used to look like), my ridiculously soft boobs (I’m still coming to terms with this) and a soft arse (which is slowly coming back to what I remember and I’m very happy about this).
Amongst all of this a beautiful little girl was created out of love and made us a family of three. She has created a wonderful chaos, a permanently messy house and a kitchen full of bottles and lids and everything else.
But these 7 months have been far from easy. Hard is an understatement. Difficult doesn’t come close. I read a lot during my pregnancy and everything said the same ‘it’s hard being a mum but it’s the best job in the world’ and it’s a statement I now live by. Everyone’s journey is different. Ours has certainly been difficult and wonderful.
I remember the health visitor asking me so did you fall in love straight way or was it a slow burner? And I remember thinking to myself neither. I didn’t say this to her. Instead I replied both and waffled on about something until she seem satisfied. What she didn’t know was I had spent the last couple weeks crying, so incredibly distraught with the state of our house, the state of me and the state of my mind.
In those early days I was convinced something was wrong with me. He (my now husband) knew he loved our baby. Absolutely instantly. No question. I asked myself that every day. Do I love her? Why do I feel like this? I looked at her and was terrified about my feelings. I knew without a doubt that I wanted her to be safe and healthy and happy. I knew I was responsible for that and I loved that.
The first time this was put to the test was exactly a week after she was born. She was making a weird noise when she was breathing and we got taken to the children’s ward and they put her in the hospital cot. It had been a long night and we had been at the hospital all day. They clipped that thing on her finger that looks really scary and I’m still not sure what it does .(it all turned out fine and we found out the problem) But it that moment I cracked, I knew with everything I had that I didn’t want anything to happen to her. Ever. I guess that’s being a mum? Right?
More weeks followed and with the exhaustion came more tears and more confusion.
Fast forward to 7 months and I now know during those initial weeks following our baby’s birth that exhaustion both physical and mental took over my life and clouded everything. I also now know that I was so incredibly scared of falling in love with her. But,I had fallen in love with her the moment she was conceived, before we even knew she was a she, every movement, every worry, every pain.
I unequivocally love my baby of course I love her and she is everything to us.
BlackMum 